Toolkit for Parents/Caregivers

Taking care of children and/or youth is not a job where you can clock in and clock out, it is an around-the-clock responsibility. For many adult caregivers they sacrifice themselves to put the kids first. In grief this can be a welcome distraction from the pain that follows a loss. However, taking care of yourself during this time is important for at least two reasons: 1) your children/youth are watching you as an example of what to do (or what not to do) and 2) your grief and experience of the loss matters and will impact your life going forward. 

What do we mean by self-care and why is it necessary during grief? 

Self-care means taking care of the various aspects of you: physical, emotional, and mental. When humans are cared for by themselves or others, their stress levels decrease. During a period of grief, stress levels are often high. Self-care can provide a sense of balance, enhance well-being, and during bereavement can help ease pain and suffering. When you care for yourself in these realms you are setting a model for the children and youth in your care to follow which will become important in their loss now and into the future. Teach by example. 

In the physical aspects of your life make sure you are putting healthy eating habits into your days, moving your body with exercise like walking, swimming, yoga, and getting enough sleep and rest. If you are having serious struggles in these areas talk to your health care provider so they may provide guidance. 

In the mental health area of your life try to find things that provide a break or at least some breathing room from your grief such as a hobby or activity that brings you joy like, reading or listening to something that interests you, meditation, prayer, or some other mindfulness practice. Remember it is ok to give yourself breaks from grief by way of distraction (just try not to avoid your grief all the time). 

In the emotional arena please make space for your feelings as hard as that may be. Look for people and places that help you feel emotionally at ease. Journaling, reaching out to friends and family members who can provide a listening ear (without advice), or finding a therapist or support group can help you to process the loss. 

Overall, it is our hope that you will be kind to yourself during this time of transition. 

Support systems can take many forms and will vary from person to person. For some people it will be their families whether biological, adopted, or chosen. Make sure the people you count in your circle of support feel emotionally safe as grief is a tender and delicate place which needs lots of care, listening, and understanding. Please know that different people have different skill sets and you will need help of all types, from help with dinner to transportation for the kids, to a shoulder to cry on to tech support or help with paperwork. Match your helpers to the tasks they are good at. Some people benefit from support groups for grieving children and parents, grief classes for bereaved

 parents/caregivers, or professional therapy. 

Your approach to grieving may be different to what your child(ren)/youth need and that is ok and to be expected. 

There are some grieving styles for you to be aware of which will help you and the kids you are caring for.  Intuitive grieving is heart centered grieving and instrumental grieving is more head grieving. Instrumental grieving is defined by the expression and experience of grief as physical or more thinking based, whereas intuitive grieving is often experienced and expressed by feelings. Instrumental grieving is often action-oriented, like cleaning and organizing or attending grief education groups or focusing on achievable tasks like fixing the fence. Intuitive grieving is more focused on feeling and expressing the inward emotional experience of loss, joining a support group to listen and express one’s truth about the loss would be a good fit for heart grievers. Human beings regardless of their gender can experience either type of grieving style. The truth is most people fall somewhere in the middle which is known as blended grieving.  

There is one more type of grieving which is called dissonant grieving. A dissonant grieving style might happen when a person who grieves feels conflicted about head versus heart approaches to grief. If they receive feedback from friends, family, work, or society that they are not grieving correctly, a griever might feel torn or judged for the way they grieve. In our society there are all types of assumptions around grief and loss, and they do not help to serve people who grieve because please remember, THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE! 

Coping might involve learning about grief or finding expressive outlets for grief such as- scrapbooks, fine arts or music/dance or writing, creating memorials and rituals for the person who died on special dates and anniversaries, read about the grief of others, or learn about what activates your grief or self-coaching about ways you talk to yourself or think. 

Negative coping or maladaptive coping is something to watch out for both in your own grieving process and that of the child(ren)/youth. When we make choices that do not support overall health or help us to avoid or numb feelings it is considered negative coping.