How to make sure that it's all taken care of

Pearl Marvell • January 4, 2025

Who here has ever heard someone say with regards to their funeral arrangements, “it is all taken care of”? How each person defines “all taken care of” has quite a range and on one end of the spectrum is practically nothing is planned and the other every “i” is dotted and each “t” is crossed. In my family we lean towards the latter, which is a load off the mind of those left behind. In my work at Memorial Funeral Home, I constantly hear stories of when a parent or spouse, sibling, grandparent, aunt, friend etc. says, “don’t worry it is all taken care of…” and the adult children leave it at that and ask no follow up questions. When the eventuality comes to pass the adult children (or family and friends left in charge of arrangements) discover only a cemetery plot has been purchased, but there are so many other details, like selecting hymns, pick out clothing for the decease, and so many other little details. Here is a list of questions (not exhaustive by any means) that can help ensure everything really is all set:

Is a viewing before burial or cremation important?
What church or religious presence do you want (if any at all)?
How will the deceased get to the cemetery?
How will you honor their life?
Will their body be cremated or buried?
Which casket or urn?
Where is the final resting place? A cemetery lot or a special place for scattering
Will there be music at the service? What are some favorite songs or styles of music
Will there be readings?
Who will do the eulogy?
Where will the service be?
Who oversees the decisions? Who is a backup planner, do they have legal authority to do so?
Will there be food and beverages after the ceremony? Any special requests or favorite recipes?
What about picture boards and a slideshow, who has the pictures?
Who will pay for it?
Who will write the obituary? Where will it be published?
What do you do if members of the family can’t get along? The more you can plan in advance and reduce decisions by survivors, the less likely they are going to struggle with all the decisions to be made

There are many more questions that need answers than these basic ones. The process of ensuring that final wishes are honored is called pre-need planning or a pre-arrangement. One of the benefits to this type of planning is to reduce stress levels of the bereaved as much as possible while setting them on a healthy grieving path. Surviving family and friends will be able to focus on their loss instead of logistical details.

After a loss whether expected or unexpected families and friends left behind can be emotional. Making decisions at an emotional time can be very difficult and sometimes leads to regrets. We cannot think of a family we have served over the 90 years we have been providing services who were angry about having a pre-need plan in place. Most are so grateful that they do not have to make massive amounts of decisions when they are under duress.

Another reason to pre-plan is because once the plan is written down, you can rest easy, and your personal preferences will be respected whether that means specific religious or cultural traditions or a unique secular celebration of life. If you leave it to others, they will just be doing their best guess about what you would like.

Should you decide this is a good choice for your family you will want to meet with a funeral director and go through as many of the planning decisions as you are able. Once final decisions are made, they need to be shared. It’s rare that you will need to worry about this, but if your wishes need to be protected against undesired changes by family, then you need to ensure you have taken the right steps for your state.

In RI, you can sign a pre-need contract with a properly credentialed institution. For the funding portion of the discussion, you can either make payment arrangements over several months or years depending on your budget or you can pay for it all at once. In the state of Rhode Island, the money you put down for your funeral/memorial services is placed into a trust which means the account is still the property of the individual, not given over to the funeral home. If a funeral home goes out of business your money remains protected, and it can be switched to another funeral home.

Other than the above-mentioned benefit to your remaining family/friends, early selection and pre-payment provides some financial predictability by way of establishing an agreement with today’s prices for future services. The interest earned on the prepaid funds is often used to offset the future costs, and may provide a price assurance or guarantee. Each funeral home has their own policies regarding the price guarantee. The way the company is able to provide those assurances is with the interest earned on the money placed into the trust.

There are some items that will likely be a part of your plans, and you may want to include allowances for those costs, like obituaries, flowers, and food after the service of which we can’t predict future pricing. These are called cash advances, or third-party expenses. You can still set money aside for that, but those items are often not covered by the price guarantee and may not cover the entire bill in the future.

Should you select to pre-plan and prepay for the expenses that money up to a certain dollar amount can be protected from Medicaid should you end up in a long-term care facility. As long as the account has been given irrevocable status, it will not count as part of the Spend Down process with Medicaid.

If you do arrange to pre-plan, please make sure your nearest and dearest know what funeral home you used for arrangements or better yet ask them to join you for the meeting. Be aware that some families do not like to talk about what happens when people die, so enter those conversations delicately.

Please make sure whatever funeral home or cremation provider you use is a licensed and trusted provider. We hope this helps demystify the idea of planning ahead, prepaying for funeral expenses, and gives you some information about the right way to setup a trusts and pre-plan funerals.

If you have any questions, please call us to set up a time to go over your questions and the process in greater detail. Most funeral homes are willing to sit down and guide you through the planning process at no cost nor commitment. Just call and ask for an appointment.

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Review of A Heart That Works by Rob Delaney

By Kim Shute • March 30, 2025

I am a fan of stand-up comedy and one comedian I enjoy is Rob Delaney. He is not for the faint of heart as he pushes many envelopes and is quite gritty. A few years back he disappeared from stand-up which caused me to search for him. He was working on a show in London, and I learned that he and his wife, Leah, had lived through the unbearable loss of their two-year-old son Henry to brain cancer in 2018. They experienced the insufferable death of their precious sweet bundle of joy, and the cruel reality that we are not in charge of what happens to us and those we love. After the death of my husband (almost 10 years ago) I found reading about loss experiences of others to be a comfort. It may seem odd or like I was seeking out more pain and suffering, but really what I was searching for was company, I was tired of feeling alone in my grief. Books like Delaney’s make me feel less isolated. Delaney wrote about the experience in A Heart That Works in 2022. Should you choose this book, buckle up as it is not easy on the eyes or ears and yet I can imagine for some it might bring inexplicable comfort for those who have experienced a loss like his. He gives voice to a painful and true-life event that happens to families across the globe that are often relegated to pediatric hospitals, hospices facilities, and private homes. I appreciate and applaud his bravery for letting us into his tender, vulnerable, and intimate life. Delaney has definite opinions about the world in which we live, especially around healthcare in the US and he makes no bones about it in his real-life comparison to the free public healthcare accessible to all residents in the UK, where his family lives. He swears a lot and if that bothers you, I recommend you pass on this short work of art and testament to his love for family and especially for his late son Henry. Some of the descriptions are hard to witness about the medical aspects of Henry’s illness, treatment, and death. Delaney’s candor is both arresting and refreshing, he does not mince words or worry about you as a reader. He paints a realistic picture of the devastating and overwhelming experiences of hospital life with a toddler struggling through brain cancer and tempers it with effortless gratitude and grace. Delaney, originally from New England, is now in his late ‘40s and has struggled with depression and alcoholism in his life. In this book, he is able to shine a light for us on lessons that surface about life and death. His humanity is raw and unedited, and he shares it with those of us who decide to witness it. If you take a risk listening to or reading his memoir let us know what you think.

A new cremation option is being considered for approval to give Rhode Island families more choices

By Pearl Marvell • March 27, 2025

Now, there might be a new option for the eco-conscious

Review of Maybe You Should Talk

By Kim Shute • March 21, 2025

We have decided to add a book review section to our newsletter upon occasion that relates to themes around death, dying, and bereavement. I did not quite realize exactly how many books are related to these topics. I thought I would have to search harder, but the books keep falling across my path. Recently, I was playing Wingspan online with a friend who lives in Washington State, and she mentioned the book she was currently reading. She and I often enjoy the same books, so I knew I had to reserve Maybe You Should Talk to Somone by Lori Gottlieb through the Libby library app. This book is considered a genre I have never seen before: Memoir/Self-Help. I wholeheartedly agree with this label. I felt entertained, deeply moved, and self-reflective. I was never bored, and it was challenging to motivate myself to do things other than read this 835-page tome. Since I read the last page, I miss the author’s voice and the clients she so thoroughly captures on the pages. Gottlieb toggles back and forth throughout the book between her own individual therapy after an unexpected break-up (loss again!), as well as the clients she sees in her private practice. It is such a pleasure to see all the people depicted change and grow even when those changes are tiny. We follow the story of a young cancer patient and all the loss that follows such a journey. We are stunned to see the death of a child in a car accident and the grief of the surviving parents. We see people who are emotionally inaccessible become less armored and why they put on defenses in the first place. We see people who have lived long lives riddled with mistakes and the hurt that is sometimes born from them. We see people grow up and take responsibility for their own actions or inaction. We see people own their emotional baggage and turn their lives around. Ultimately this is a book about finding meaning in all our moments no matter how close we are to our own mortality. Many people wonder how we who work in funeral service can do what we do each day; they wonder if it is too depressing. For me it is often sad and reminds me how important it is to choose life and to live each moment as we don’t know how long we get. Working with death and the bereaved helps me to remember how critical it is to make positive use of my time on earth. I am working towards being less afraid that my life is likely more than half over. This work has me thinking about my bucket list, what is on yours? Following the next funeral, memorial, or celebration of life you attend I invite you to really reflect on how you are living your one precious life, right now. Thanks, Mary Oliver. I hope you will consider reading. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone to give you a little perspective. You know what they say, use it or lose it.

Let us talk about rituals

By Kim Shute • February 23, 2025

Why? You might say.

October Newsletter

February 5, 2025

Wow, October is almost done and November is just on the horizon! As we enter into the season of holidays, it can be even harder for those who have lost loved ones. Remembering special memories that you had with them and going through the pain of not having the ability to create new ones can be debilitating. In November, our Director of Community Relations and Grief Educator, Kim Shute will be running two workshops about “Hope for the Holidays” at Portsmouth Public Library from 1pm-2:30pm on Nov. 14th and another at the Middletown Public Library from 12:30pm-2pm on Nov. 16th. Experiencing loss can change the way we feel about those important dates in our lives, so please join us to discover ways of reducing stress and finding some peace during the holiday season. No registration or sign up needed.

Helpful Articles

January 31, 2025

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Wreaths Across America’s Mobile Exhibit will visit Middletown to Honor Veterans and Supporters

By Gabriella Iannetta • November 24, 2024

Memorial Funeral Homes & St. Lucy’s Catholic Church are proud to announce a local stop for the Wreaths Across America Mobile Education Exhibit national tour.

a man in a green elf costume is standing next to a woman in a red cape .

Elf is Coming Back to Jane Pickens Theater!

By Pearl Marvell • November 21, 2024

Memorial Funeral Home will host its annual showing of “Elf” at the Jane Pickens Theater on December 15th at 2pm! Doors will open at 1pm and entry is free with a donation of non-perishable food items for the Martin Luther King Jr. Center.

A photo of a caravan and a skeleton and flowers.

Taking a look at funerals around the world

By Gabriella Iannetta Calabrese • October 15, 2024

There’s no definitive answer on when, exactly, humans started to bury their own people–spouses, siblings, parents–because burial sites were hardly preserved.

A woman in black gloves is holding a picture of an older woman.

‘It’s going to be fabulous,’ Putting Style Into Saying Goodbye